What we’re about
1. This group is about bringing people together who define themselves
as non-monogamous AND grand family minded.
The standard narrative has brought us hypocrisy and division between generations, genders, races and classes.
We aim for a new sense of family life.
We address people who feel polyamorous and are ready to commit.
Polyamory shall be more than pointless promiscuity. Sex is amazing, contributes to health and sanity.
Sex bonds, is not a toy, but the resource of life and longevity.
We seek like-minded couples and libido aware singles to expand a reliable and committed group of various ages, children welcome.
We have some clue how to do that in a way that no one shall feel caged, like we felt in conventional situations.
VARIATION IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. Spiritual energy freed of obsession is the result.
Every intimate relationship is unique in its own way. Diversity yields unrivaled space for development.
Join us if you recognize yourselves in this. We are not ideological, knowing this is not for everyone.
“Instead of living within a restrictive set of rules, guiltily desiring secret things, we’re writing the rules together”
(Emer O’Toole). Decades ago, notion grew that living in sizable yet accessible groups of intensely related adults is how evolution spawned homo sapiens. Why don’t we then? That is a long story, as a question already addressed by anthropologists like Margaret Mead and Bronislaw Malinowski. According to them, living as sexually isolated couples is an anomaly by culture, rather than natural behavior for our species. Intuitively, we like to think they are right.
Have a look into this remarkable and recent work by Ryan / Jethá :
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_at_Dawn
..and their raged critics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-dawn/201009/megan-mcardle-really-hates-sex-dawn .
The complexity of the polyamorous realm is pointed out here:
https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-be-in-a-polyamorous-relationship/answer/Judith-Meyer?srid=dEkn&share=0b7cd189 .
And here:
https://medium.com/@thelolaphoenix/thirteen-things-i-wish-id-learned-before-choosing-non-monogamy-ce3533cbd525 .
We appeal to experienced or otherwise kindred spirits to participate in this discussion and be with us.
If you want to join, we will look together whether this is the real you – and your partner(s).
We primarily address your awareness of your inevitably polyamorous nature.
Check whether polyamory is for the real you and not just a swingers’ fling:
https://www.lelo.com/blog/is-polyamory-right-for-you-8-questions-to-help-you-decide/ .
Take these questions seriously and you and your partner(s) will find out .
Note: we are poly open but committed, not promiscuous.
Author’s own past as a communard during 1½ years left him ardently convinced.
Best of all was the communal upbringing of children from different parents. In spite of problems and break up, they are fine, even spectacular adults today. Communal sex closely follows on the list of good experience.
Sexual jealousy or preferences have not been serious issues. Nevertheless, we had to break up, due to social differences.
Given this world and our upbringing, a new attempt to realize an old notion is not for the naïve. Millennia of Christianity and other organized oppression have left their marks upon us. Even the most aware will relapse into old “certainties” as habits die hard. The resulting socio-Darwinian selective effect upon 100 or more generations works against our very selves.
Note this text:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15892127-sex-at-dusk
Lynn Saxon, though well-arguing does not basically support our core family criticism .
Apparently, there is more than one truth. Let us be humble and not assume universal validity for our position, still remaining to be ours.
Maybe we stood up to give our evolution a nicer, more harmonious twist.
2. Criticism of the core family (AKA 2’s relationship, nuclear family)
Definitions:
- - core family: a social unity consisting of 1 woman, 1 man and their offspring
- - core exclusivity: sexual relationship is bound to the one and only
- - every(one/body): a vast majority of
- - basic group: poly lovers closely living together
- - cluster: basic groups belonging together
- - sex: any intimate exchange between the genders
- - metamours: group members supportive of each other
- - compersion: happiness about partner’s happiness
- - polyfidelity: sexual, possibly emotional exclusivity to the cluster.
2.1 Instability
Many “settled” couples are prone to crisis and they know it. How they deal with it is the question. To overcome crisis is an evergreen. It is tragic to see how tedious the attempts are and how little rewarding the results. To admit failure is not popular, as it requires 2 in good harmony. Lacking that capability, couples part in struggle and animosity. Statistics show the saddening truth. Children are the defenseless victims. Some couples manage to stay together for the sake of their offspring, being no bright example of satisfactory life style. Children tend to leave such families as soon as they can, trying to forget their upbringing. Chances are, they will unintentionally reproduce their parents’ patterns.
About NL:
https://opendata.cbs.nl/statline/#/CBS/en/navigatieScherm/zoeken?searchKeywords=divorce%20OR%20marriage .
In order to interpret such figures right, it is necessary to take into account that since 1950 the population of The Netherlands almost doubled. For political reasons, insight in the difference between the (West-European) indigenous and incompatibly raised 3rd world immigrants and their offspring, is blurred in that report.
About USA:
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/divorce-is-bad-for-you-try-again-many-couples-give-up-on-marriage-without-considering-the-likely-traumas-they-should-find-an-amicable-way-to-remain-partners-at-least-until-the-children-are-independent-says-olivia-timbs-1548687.html .
2.2 Suspicion
For many, the exclusive core relationship is not satisfactory in the long run. Most of us live long enough to have (had) more than one, moderately (un)successful attempt. As the pot calls the kettle black, we are frequently seduced to break the rules and are concerned about our partner for same.
For the monogamous, jealousy is the result of looming risk. Losing that one and only is downfall of a world. Suspicion is the essence of many “stable” core relationships. But many know, feel, or fear that we need better than that.
About cheating:
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/cheating-2-uncomfortable-truths-about-it-that-we-need-to-hear/ .
In “modern” societies there are group attempts, more or less tolerated, to break such vicious circles. Random promiscuity, swinging, polyamorous encounter groups, sexual nudism, celebratory mutilation and more, aim at finding new belonging to greater intimacy and to overcome sexual jealousy. Thus far, the results are not overwhelmingly positive.
2.3 Perversions
In every normative “grand” society we see large spread of perversions. Of course, suppression of our real nature makes us seek compensation. Adultery - prostitution - child abuse – mental, physical, or material abuse of family members – alcoholism – workaholism – militarism - mind changing drug abuse and crimes against life are some of the results. Steady deprivation applied to the juvenile may yield resignation and sublimation. Great achievements in arts, architecture, science and technology are often products from crippled personalities. Is that right or wrong? We may hope this is not the only resource, but every culture historian knows plenty of examples.
2.4 Surrogates
Critics may say, the community idea of sharing has been attempted by many flavors of religion, liberalism, socialism and communism.
Yet, as much as they differ, they all have the same 2 flaws:
- - Sharing sexuality is taboo and discussion is out of the question
- - They insist on surreal social identities.
Such movements involve masses of people, too numerous for the individual to emotionally relate to.
Ideologies and nationalisms fill the gaps. We know where that goes. Read the news.
2.5 Abuse of Power…
…comes as no surprise. A powerful state consists of millions of core families that depend on the mercy of some elite. Such elite uses mass timidity for their purposes and power games. Looking at the private lives within “those” circles, elites seem not to seriously apply their propaganda on themselves.
Not for themselves, but to keep the stupid masses in check, strict family rules were enforced “downwards”.
Law, religion, the nation, any abstraction will do. Knowingly hazardous to masses well-being, this way privilege is upheld. Does this still work as it did in the past?
Dissent like ours will strike nerves there. We shall be wary of their response.
2.6 Disasters
Let us have a short look at the history of core family. Not a very long time ago, it was not for common people.
Rather, power structures were forged by marriage, serving or strengthening some elite status quo. Lower classes seemed to abide by the same rules but only for the superficial observer.
Mind the enormous difference in longevity between high and low and we understand.
If the average age to die for low class is 35 or 40, given almost permanent state of pregnancy and breastfeeding for women, not even reaching the age of meno pause, there is just no leeway to contemplate the sense of life.
With the upcoming manufactural and industrial societies, mass sanity and with it longevity slowly grew.
With them, mass disasters also rose. Elites needed them in order to maintain privilege under changing circumstances.
No need at this point to elaborate on the 19th and 20th centuries.
3. Now what?
Being where and what we are today, many of us have the historically unique but uneasy opportunity to choose how we want to live. Of course, we primarily address those that are aware of the foregoing and who strongly feel the same. For we know: to leave the beaten track is not easy. Obstacles are to be taken. Those within each of us are most stubborn. After all, we are children of our upbringing and culture. In spite of awareness, it is hard to say goodbye to the alleged comfort of the well-known and to commit to new frontiers. Only few have the strength and decisiveness to be unflustered under any circumstances. For this reason we choose the warm and gradual approach towards each other.
Better health and powerful zest for life are the promises ahead.
3.1 Genital Identity
..is a matter of course for the adult human being, that went through such process of awareness.
While we have to hide this aspect of ourselves in conventional environments, our notion of group life in self-defined surroundings makes possible to be what we are.
Ideally, we develop into overwhelmingly grand personalities. Author has seen that happen more than once.
Sounds almost like the ideal core family?
The core family is a structure that does not allow for personal growth. Partners feel vulnerable as stability requires stable partners. But people don’t evolve as planned or required.
The result is timidity, everlasting concerns and guilt ridden existence, hardly suited for personal growth.
Only a sizable group ideally provides for the necessary embedding. See also:
http://www.jstor.org/stable/3812577?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
Jealousy and gender competition can be addressed. Spooks of the past: be gone…
3.2 Multi-generational community
It is obvious, we differ in physical and mental condition. Different in age or standing yet supportive of each other, the joy of raising children - in a group that really is a joy, not a burden. Living the mystery of gender empowers to create new life. The phlegm and stamina of youth, the sense and calm of age, the fantasy world of children, these make a community complete and keep it alive.
What about sexual solidarity? For the polyfidelitous, sex is the binder of community life. Traditionally we prefer age peers for sexual intercourse. Fewer prefer significant age difference. Does preference stand in the way of joining us?
Or must we live with this? Can we overcome preference at all?
Other similarities too, make us seek each other such as culture, breeding fantasies/wishes, profession, philosophy, origin, employment, power of abstraction, art, and etcetera.
On the other hand: dissimilarities too may have power of community forging.
What greater attraction than what the genders hold? Trivial?
Other unlikely matches: geeks and hussies, nuns and bikers, brain surgeons and timber jugglers.
Seriously ;-)
3.3 Clustering
Detailed prophecy how we will evolve is not possible. Apart from the poly notion that we share, the idea of clustering seems obvious. Meaning: Poly lovers, who intensely feel to belong together, shall share premises and their daily lives as a basic group. The multi-generational community takes shape by frequent and pleasurable gathering of such groups in order to enjoy each other’s lives in their endless variations. The perspective of mid-term, possibly temporary basic group members exchange is looming. Commitment makes it possible.
Enjoy the poly lifestyle without the hazards of the jungle out there.
3.4 Pitfalls and dilemma’s
They are numerous. We can regret forever, but it does not help: in author’s long gone past, we failed by naivety. The practician unavoidably learns: the devil is in the detail. The human psyche is tiered and profoundly complicated. Change of life style yields shift of identity with uncertain individual outcome. In order to not be unpleasantly surprised by ourselves under changing circumstances, we need to brace for change.
It is up to the community to help each other staying in touch with pleasure.
After all, fulfillment and pleasure are what life is about.
Are we as a group capable to overcome doubt and crisis with individual members, still remaining well-decided about the shared mindset? We shall always keep in mind what is at stake.
Mind the jungle most of us live in: http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy3-large.png .
Once the impact of poly commitment felt under our skins, there is no way back.
3.5 Benefits
Blatantly simplifying:
3.5.1 No more boredom – Poly as we are by nature, we know our own diversity of possible manifestation, depending on any intimate encounter. Room for diversity is needed for personal growth.
3.5.2 No more hidden second lives – We welcome each other’s need for variation/variety and are blunt about it.
We may expect openness and group support.
3.5.3 Relief of daily overload - Possible economic basis for such a community demands less from the individual.
Shared facilities are more economic and versatile. Almost needless to say, the economic jungle to which the loner is exposed can more easily be avoided. Real talent thrives better without subjugation.
Shared capacity relieves the individual from tasks that do not suit character as others will fill in.
3.5.4 The joy of children – Easy, because there will always be some adults that care.
No more duty without pleasure. Children sense that and will thrive accordingly.
Children in a sizable group ideally develop together and just need general monitoring.
3.5.5 Group power – Whether this is about price negotiations, intrusion by “authorities”, or any other external force, being a group, we stand stronger, even defiant.
3.6 Multiple fidelity
Sexual responsibility for each other….. Yeah, we have preferences. One encounter is more satisfying than another at any instant in time. Is this the result of immature identities, or is it just natural?
We must deal with this, as we recommend exclusivity (no sex outside the cluster).
From what I have seen in group settings, preference soothes over time. So does obsession.
We need methods to visualize the unique features of every like-minded individual.
We strive for ego’s to give way to social identity.
3.7 Choice of methods …
Clearly, appreciating each other as polyamorists is not enough. We may intend and pretend to universally love each other and life in general, but where from shall we take the capacity to love our very selves? Without that we are not capable of contributing to each other’s well-being. The burden of our culture is deep inside each of us. No denying its highlights, but spiritual well-being – to our understanding - has been neglected for millennia.
Our need for touch, sex, belonging, positive appreciation of our whole self are not highly valued in the standard narrative. Achievement however is appreciated without attention for its emotional origin. We want to escape from that.
This is as difficult as escaping from gravity. It takes flying with no fear. It means to depart from oneself and build a new identity. Only then we may grow capable to give and receive the way we crave to be.
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FAQ Questions and Answers
Q: Personal freedom is paramount. Commitment to each other’s well-being is also high on the list. Don’t these collide?
A: This touches our view on human nature. Freedom is a subjective experience, as in reality we continue to depend. Primarily, for us it means an extended sexual life style in a trusted and loving environment. Secondary, sharing spouses, facilities and services (e.g. child care) eases the individual burden of material support. With our backup, more freedom to choose the activities that really interest you instead of income necessity. No collision here. No promise of paradise either.
Q: The LGBTIAQ+ notions seem to gain attention. How does your community relate to it?
A: We don’t really, unless you attribute P(olyamory) to it. We are tribal multigenerational, welcoming your children or child wish as you do ours. We welcome the energy between the genders and the creation of new life. Of course this implies appreciation and warm support for the natural difference between the genders. Characters vary endlessly and are fluid. We have some understanding for bi femininity, as the first intimate relationship the baby girl has is with her own mother. Aggressive male or female attitudes – gay or straight - do not fit in.
Straight sex is the resource of our continued existence as the grand family that we are. Or as a species for that matter.
Q: How do we fit in? Is there any certainty?
A: No, there isn’t. However, we are open to temporary participation. We will notice if we feel synchronous together. If not, we can still be friends and mutually supportive to related communities. The idea of clustering is of the essence.
Q: If a child is born, will he or she know who is the father?
A: We maintain this leftover from a 10,000 yold patriarchate. A woman who inevitably is to become a mother (again), will be selective and monogamous till conception. We also create contractual guarantees for the father to be. Livelihood for mother and child is provided by the community.
Q: If motherhood is made easy, will there be a baby boom?
A: On the contrary, motherhood is never easy.
For the sane adult, there is this natural need to live with children and see them grow up. Our real nature implies parenthood, not strictly by biology. Excess population is the result of monogamous life styles.