What we’re about
A special and loving welcome to all spouses of individuals who are Neuro-diverse - We're a support community for the Neuro-typical partner and as such we plan activities, dinners, trips to museums, the movies, out dancing and to meet-ups. We welcome all Neuro-typical spouses whether they are attempting to thrive in, graciously exit or completely don't know what to do about a marriage with a Neuro-diverse spouse. We offer a place to vent, make friends, find support, have fun, and request advice. We use first names only in order to protect our own anonymity and our spouses' privacy (and career). We will remember your birthday and help you celebrate it, listen, look you in the eye, respond without being cued, and volunteer an unrequested, real hug. We offer an annual stocking swap so you can quit filling your own and feigning surprise for the kids' benefit on Christmas morning. Find a family of sisters who not only understand your pain, but understand why you may not want to leave your marriage in spite of it.
While the number of individuals diagnosed with autism grows exponentially, many support groups for parents have sprung up around the country, but the fact that inividuals on the spectrum grow up and marry is all but ignored. Consequently, support for those who marry individuals on the spectrum is completely lacking. We seek to change that for the RDU+ area.
(Because so many of those diagnosed as "on the spectrum" are male, in order to keep this more conversational and less like a medical journal, I am assuming that the neuro-diverse partner in the relationship is male.)
Many women are blind-sided when they suddenly realize their spouse is neurologically divergent, in other words, that he is "on the spectrum," "has Asperger's Syndrome," "has high-functioning Autism," or has some similar diagnostic tag. Often this realization strikes a woman while she is simultaneously reeling from having just received a diagnosis that their child is "on the spectrum" because as she works to understand her child, she begins to see that many of the same characteristics are in fact present in her spouse. She may begin to mentally sift through the years of her marriage experience and realize that she has worked very hard to suppress needs her neurologically diverse husband called unreasonable, unnecessary, immature or just plain stupid when what she was seeking was simply a typical marriage - at least for a neurotypical individual. She may have continued in a marriage devoid of most (or all) affection and emotional connection for years wondering if she were crazy.
As she realizes that her spouse has not been holding out, but is truly unable to understand what she needs and may also be completely unable to supply it, she may begin to grieve for the years lost, for her youth spent trying to "do marriage right" in order to find the loving connection that kept eluding her or she may be angry, depressed or numb with shock. These are all valid responses. What she shouldn't be feeling is alone. She shouldn't be staring at her phone wondering who she can call and mentally crossing off every name because no one will understand.
See, in this situation her friends and family - who can only view the marriage from the outside - often give well-intentioned advice pointing out what a good provider her husband is or how intelligent, witty, or charming he is. She already knows this or she wouldn't have married him in the first place. What her friends do not know, however, is that the man they see is the one she dated, not the one she married. He plays a role at work, at church, out for dinner, the same role he played for her when they were dating. Additionally, when they dated she was his special interest and as such she received all his intense focus and thus she likely felt like Cinderella. After the marriage, however, at home he is very different. He resumes his former special interest (computers, electronics, engineering, engines, etc)
Maybe she's had it and she wants to leave. She feels like she's smothering. It all feels so relentlessly pointless. She's desperately lonely.
Or.
Or she has been covering for him for years when he walked to the buffet and picked up a serving platter and took it to his own table. Why not? It was what he wanted and the servers would bring more. What would be more logical than saving numerous trips to the buffet and continuing to use the same plate rather than dirtying anothger plate for each return visit? Surely his actions saved everyone a lot of hassle. She can see his logic AND she knows society's mandates. She has tried unsuccessfully to help him navigate it all, but now she just stays home. She doesn't want to leave because she still loves him emphatically in spite of his quirky behavior. She loves the things he can build. She loves their home and their children. She loves how his eyes sparkle. She loves that sometimes he still makes her laugh until she can't even breathe. But she's smothering. After so many years of throwing birthday parties, she wants someone to remember to throw her a birthday party. The days march on and on, the same dishes, the same laundry. She's desperately lonely.
Or.
Or as many scenarios as there are marriages. Every person's story is different; the story of every marriage is different. What is common is that many Neurodiverse marriages have a thread of discouragement, hoplessness, despair, and grief running beneath the bright colors and there is no support system available to these marriages since most marital therapists are not equipped to understand the unique dynamics inherent in a NT/ND marriage.
If the above paragraphs resonate with you, consider joining us. You can share as much or as little of your story as you like. What we can offer is a community of other people who have had their birthdays overlooked, their Christmas stockings left unfilled, their emotional needs unmet, who have struggled valiantly and been told that they are themselves The Problem and that if they would simply lower their expectations, be reasonable or seek counseling for their issues or trauma or neuroses, the marriage would be fine. There are days when we also feel defeated, exhausted, entitled to give up and days when we are hopeful, enthusiastic, upbeat, charmed by the life we've made and what the future could hold for our marriage. Some days are good, some bad for us, too.
It won't be perfect, but it can be better. You are not alone. We get you.