Co-Regulation: the Not-So-Secret Sauce of Secure Relationships

For most of my dating life, romantic relationships felt excruciating.

Simultaneously craving and rejecting close connection, I’d quickly become someone I didn’t recognise.

Due, in part, to what I now know were strong fearful avoidant attachment patterns, the initial stages of dating were often a breeze. I was the most charming, the most banter-y, the most confident version of myself.

But the moment I felt invested, a switch flicked.

Suddenly I was sensitive to even the slightest shift in the other person’s interest and attention, hypervigilant for signs of rejection and betrayal.

The more vulnerable I felt, the smaller I became.

This pattern played out time and time again, from my teens to my late 30s, until I finally twigged. To paraphrase author Jon Kabat-Zinn, wherever I went, there I was.

When I stumbled upon attachment theory the push-pull patterns I’d previously attributed to a broken picker, low self-esteem or even bad relationship juju began to make sense. I remember reading about insecure attachment and thinking ‘Oh, there I am.’

What Connection Should Look Like
According to attachment theory, secure attachment — which typically stems from consistent, stable caregiving in childhood — leads us, in adulthood, to seek proximity and connection to a loved-one when upset and overwhelmed.

When a loved-one offers us support and validation in the face of our big feelings, when their nervous system calms ours, this is known as co-regulation. Co-regulation is the not-so-secret sauce of secure relationships.

At least, that’s how it should work.

Why Some People Fear Connection
In contrast to the securely attached, those of us who sit somewhere along the insecurely attached spectrum — whether anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, or fearful avoidant — often view relationships through the distorted lens of protection rather than connection.

If, as a child, you didn’t receive support to co-regulate, or your emotional development was hindered due to trauma, you may struggle with both co-regulation and self-regulation well into adulthood.

When support is offered, you may even reject it as it feels unfamiliar and therefore unsafe.

Are Your Subconscious Beliefs Blocking Co-Regulation?
The root cause of your insecure attachment may have been inconsistency or even abandonment in childhood (anxious preoccupied), emotional or physical neglect (dismissive avoidant) or chaos and trauma (fearful avoidant).

These early experiences lead the insecurely attached person to develop subconscious core beliefs that can hinder healthy co-regulation.

Things like:

‘I’m responsible for meeting all my partner’s needs. But if I express my needs to my partner I might be abandoned. And also, why doesn’t my partner just know what I need without me having to say anything? Is it because they don’t love me?’ (Anxious preoccupied).

Or:

‘I can’t rely on my partner to meet my needs, and my partner shouldn’t rely on me. I don’t do vulnerability, and that’s just the way I am — I can’t change. When my partner tries to get me to open up, I can feel myself shutting down.’ (Dismissive avoidant).

And then there’s:

‘My partner can’t really be trusted to be there for me. I’ll suppress my needs until they eventually explode out of me. Then, if my partner doesn’t immediately understand my feelings, I may press eject on the relationship altogether. Forget them.’ (Fearful avoidant).

Tweaking Co-Regulation Techniques for the Insecurely Attached
For the securely attached, healthy co-regulation is second nature. For the insecurely attached, it can take work.

Join me Sunday September 29th to learn co-regulation tips and techniques for the insecurely attached. Things like:

• The importance of healthy boundaries in co-regulation
• The difference between empathy and hypervigilance
• Which co-regulation techniques feel safest to each insecure attachment style
• The role your nervous system plays in co-regulation

Or, if you can't wait until September 29th, learn more about Embodied Safety, a coaching program that supports co-regulation and secure attachment.

About Natalie:
Natalie is a trauma-informed attachment coach, energy practitioner and yoga studio owner. Transform your relationships through a greater understanding of how attachment theory influences the way you seek connection. 121 attachment coaching available online or in Brisbane, Australia. Group events available online and throughout SE QLD. To schedule a free discovery call visit https://thisbeinghuman.live.